Why Did I Do That?!

So why did I go ahead and have 80% of my stomach removed? There have been a handful of days I’ve asked myself this question. (Overall I’ve been blessed with no complications or issues, but there’s been a day or two that have just sucked and I experienced a tad bit of buyer’s remorse. These were definitely in the early days and weeks right after my surgery.)

Fear: One day in late 2015, I couldn’t ignore the fact of how unhealthy I was. I knew I was dancing with the devil and I was afraid my luck would run out. During the phone call with my mom in which I told her about my decision to pursue weight loss surgery, her first question was if I had developed diabetes. Thankfully I hadn’t, but it was only a matter of time I did along with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, etc. 

Unhappiness: I was sad and depressed. I was not disillusioned that the surgery would fix by brain, but I can’t deny the fact that I needed to do something different to change my mood. Even now, while I have much more confidence in myself, I know I need to continue to work at changing how I think. To help me do this I have started seeing a therapist specializing in eating disorders. My first session was just this past Wednesday. I plan to see her until I feel confident my brain has changed as much as my body has!

Past attempts to lose weight: In my adult life, I have lost and gained 75-100 pounds at least three times. That’s a lot of weight! I always gained more than I had lost which some research suggests this is more unhealthy than just being fat without the weight fluctuation. I wanted a tool to help me regulate what I can eat. I’m also aware of the fact that there are many cases where people gain their weight back after surgery, but there are far more success stories who have kept it off. 

Relationship with food: I needed to change my relationship with food. Whether I was on a diet or not, my life has been consumed by food. I thought about it all day, everyday. I still do, but it’s so different now. I don’t find comfort in food anymore. Most of the time I really don’t even enjoy food. It’s still uncomfortable to eat. Some days it downright hurts to eat…or drink. 

I am learning so much about me along this journey. I wish I did this sooner…that’s a sentiment most WLS patients say though! There is much left to do!

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